Spring Shopping

Isn't shopping for clothes fun? I love walking into a place and seeing nothing but size 0-4 crowding every rack. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to have to scrounge about to the very back of each rack praying that they have at least one pair of shorts in a double digit size. Usually they don't bother to put these ones out. Apparently women that size don't need clothes. They can just wear togas or ponchos. Don't worry, if that's not your style usually there's a for sale rack hidden somewhere in the store. This is most likely located in a hole in the wall behind the sea of flip flops, accessed by spinning the green and white striped ones counterclockwise three times. That is where you will find clothes for the "other women."

And aren't the new spring fashions just darling? I'm sure every girl has enough self confidence and lacks enough modesty and morals to skip around in shorts that just barely cover her rear end. Thank goodness we were all born with twig like legs to pull these off. I also really enjoy the cute new tops that are out right now. I mean sure, I didn't realize they were shirts at first, I mistook one or two for a bandanna, and that other thing for a skirt, but after I bumped into the manikins, it all started making sense. Those dresses are awesome too. I hear see-through is the new black anyways right?

I guess I just have a few questions...
1) Do you have anything that will at least cover up my undergarments?
2) If I wanted to do something besides stand up straight and look pretty, do you have anything that wouldn't fall off my body while functioning on a normal human being level?
3) Since you've woven your dresses into pretty little numbers with gaping holes, do you have another dress I could put on underneath it?
4) If I were to wear the shirt that looks like a mini skirt, can I simultaneously wear a few of the shirts that look like bandannas, strategically fashioned to cover the rest of my torso?
5) The white see-through pants are really lost on me, can you explain those?
6) Let's say, just as a hypothetical question, that I wanted to cover up more than 10% of my body...do you have a swimsuit for that?
7) Ultra low rise jeans? For real? What? Why?
8) How do you sit in those? And still feel comfortable?
9) I'm all for recycling, but since when did people start turning in their hammocks so that they could be made into articles of clothing?
10) If I wear a large, what are women bigger than me supposed to wear? Seriously.