Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Minimal Progress

In an effort to join the adult masses, I have decided the first thing I need to do is get on an adult sleeping schedule. I have decided I will no longer sleep until ten o'clock because such a sleeping schedule will not coexist with a fancy adult job. Unfortunately, this goal has not yet been achieved. I keep accidentally oversleeping. I say accidentally in italics because some individuals (Kenric) question the validity of that statement. For the record, yes it is purely accidental that I hit the snooze button nine times before I get out of bed. How is that even close to being my fault? I also cannot help that I am in an altered state of mind when I wake up in the morning, and I forget that I am supposed to be adhering to a strict adult schedule. Also not my fault. In conclusion, my adult becoming progress is at a current minimal state.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Last night I was driving my younger cousins home from my grandma's house. My little cousin Nick, who's probably around 10 years old (Aunt Maggie?) asked me where I was going to school. I informed him that I had graduated, and being the smart little guy he is, he said, "But where are you going to grad school?" I told him that I wasn't going to grad school anymore because it wasn't for me. He then said to me, in a very matter of fact way, "Oh, so you're an adult now."

I couldn't help but laugh out loud. All I could say was, "Well...not exactly."

Which got me to thinking...maybe I am, or more appropriately put, maybe I should be.

Man, do I have a lot of work to do.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


4:15pm Beginning of work shift
Coworker A: You would not believe what just happened.
Coworker B: What?
Inner Bridget: What?
CA: I just asked the hostesses if they had a crack rock for me, and they just stared at me.
CB: Ugh. Stupid hostesses.
Inner Bridget: A what?!
CA: I need a pick me up before my shift, and they're all holding out on me.
CB: That is so like them.
Inner Bridget: Is she joking?
CA: How do they expect me to get through this shift.
Inner Bridget: Probably the same way I do.
CB: I don't know. It's going to be rough.

Coworker #1: Is that a picture of your man?!
Coworker #2: Yes.
C 1: Girl! Let me see him!
C 2: *handing over picture and looking disgusted* He's such a jerk.
Inner Bridget: Why are you dating him?
C1: Really?
C2: Yes, he lies to me all the time, and he's so mean to me. I think I'm going to dump him.
Inner Bridget: Probably best.
C1: Well, do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.
C2: Yes.
Inner Bridget: What?!
C1: Then sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad.
C2: Yeah, I think you're right.
Inner Bridget: What just happened here?

Coworker: I wasn't smoking before I met my boyfriend.
Bridget: No?
Coworker: No. But you know he's got a 3 ft glass bong and what was I supposed to do?
Inner Bridget: ...and she's not talking about cigarettes
Bridget: Oh.
Coworker: So I had to take advantage of it.
Bridget: Uh....OH! My order's up!
Inner Bridget: hmmmmmmm

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Planning for the Future

Hey kids, listen up while your good pal Bridget gives you a few lessons on life.

Lesson Number 1
When your mom gives you lunch money for school, pocket it. You do not need that crappy cafeteria food anyways. Hang on to it, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 2
When you are in the checkout line at Target, fixate your gaze on the register. Do not, I repeat, do not look at the shelves full of candy, or take a quick peak at the little cooler full of pop. You do not need either. Hang on to that money, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 3
So you like Slurpee's do you? You think 711 is a fun place to go? You like getting the biggest size possible and putting in every flavor available (except coke)? No. You don't need that either. Hang on to that money, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 4
Oh! You'd like to pick the most expensive university you can find to go away to (ehm Johnny)? BAD IDEA! A college degree is a college degree. Yes, you WILL mind if you are $80,000 in debt when you graduate. Instead, pick a cheap school with a decent reputation (this is possible) and you'll save some money. Hang on to that money, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 5
Do not take trips to exotic places. This is unnecessary. Fill up a kiddy pool in your backyard and knock yourself out. Hang on to that vacation money and instead, work when you can. I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 6
Do not drive 86 mph through Wisconsin, especially if you have an IL license plate. You will be pulled over, they won't be nice, and you will get a ticket. This ticket will cost upwards of $200. Instead, hang on to that money, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 7
If you think having a nice over sized truck is a good idea, you're wrong (even if it is beautiful and spacious). It guzzles gas and probably will have a million things go wrong on it. Buy something small with good fuel efficiency. Hang on to that gas money, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 8
Music is nice. Did you know you can listen to it for free by turning on a radio? Stop buy Cd's, and music offline. Also, don't download it illegally, it could catch up with you and then you'll probably end up spending way more money. Instead, hang on to that money, I'll tell you why in a minute.

Lesson Number 9
While you're in college do something productive like invent a teleport. This way you will already be cashing in on your patent, and you'll be reducing all transportation costs.

Lesson Number 10
Do not go out to the movies. This will cost you a ridiculous amount of money. Not only will you pay $7.50 to get in, but you will inevitably fall victim to the concessions. They are very clever there and have exactly what you think you want/need. Instead, hang on to that money I'll tell you

One day you will graduate from college. While you were in college you built up a nice little thing called debt, probably in the form of student loans. If this did not happen to you, I don't want to hear about it. For the rest of us...all those loans that we never gave much thought to actually do need to be paid back. Oh and that little 6 month grace period goes by very quickly, so don't even bank on that business. While you are waiting to get a big kid job because apparently the four year degree that you earned and that nice high GPA that you worked so hard for don't mean anything unless you validate it by passing a certification exam (ok, this part probably only applies to a select few of us...athletic training majors!), you are going to need some other form of income. In fact, you are going to need a very fast form of income. Most of these inbetween jobs you can get don't actually pay enough to support you if you'd like to live on your own, make car payments, pay for health insurance, pay for car insurance, and make payments on your student loans. This creates an unpleasant situation.

You might decide to become a waitress. You might be horrible at it. This may be because you are a nerdy bookworm and should not be allowed to interact with tables full of customers ("guests"). You might spill drinks on people. You might forget to bring out an appetizer...or five. You might be forced to head to work everyday in a men's shirt and tie, with an apron wrapped around your waist. You might feel ridiculous shouting "I'm in the weeds" and so you might not get any extra help when you're in over your head. You might start to care a little bit less about "100 percent guest delight." This might get you into trouble quickly.

To avoid this awful pitful, and to ensure that when you graduate you can live comfortably until you find a good job...STOP WASTING YOUR MONEY! Oh, and make sure you pick a major that doesn't require you jumping through five extra hoops just to get a job.

P.S. Happy Anniversary Aimee and Tom. I'd much rather be going to your wedding again today, than going to work.