Sunday, June 20, 2010

It's here!!!

It's here, it's here!!!!!

My new blog design is up! Isn't it totally awesome?! Thanks Kenric!!!!!


Friday, June 11, 2010

Go Cubs Go?

Dear Chicago Cubs,
I've noticed winning is not a priority in your lives right now. This concerns me for a number of reasons. First of all, I am currently displaying my "This is the Year" banner and your actions as of late make me look foolish. Unacceptable. Also, I know a lot of White Sox fans...unfortunately. Although your record is slightly, and I do stress slightly, better than that of the Soxs, I am continually harassed by those crack addict South-siders because you still think it's a good idea to put Marmol into the game in the 9th inning. Furthermore, Ron Santo cannot handle these shenanigans. He is a fragile man and every time you leave men on the bases his high blood pressure threatens his life. My birthday is Monday, and I am simply asking that you sweep the Sox this weekend. In summary, please pull your heads out of your asses and play some baseball.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

As the Competence in the World Declines...Part 2

In light of recent events I have an addition to one of my last posts.

Yesterday Obama's health care bill was passed despite the fact half of the population opposed it. Not a single republican congressmen voted for it. The 'pro-life' democrats voted for it because Obama made an executive order banning federal fund of abortions...which is useless and can easily be overturned. Our country's financial situation is in the crapper, and the bill will be costly. American citizens who are already struggling financially will be taxed to pay for it.

Theory application: Obama does not know how to back up his eloquent speeches with sensible actions that move this country forward. In order to ensure no one wants him to actually act on the promises he makes, Obama decides to pass a health care bill which is actually a very poor solution to a real problem in this country. P. O. S. health care bill is designed to send the country further into debt, jeopardize unborn children, and bring the country closer to socialism. American people who were opposed to the bill (half of the population) realize they no longer want Obama to come through on his promises or do any kind of action at all. Once the ramifications of the health care bill become evident, even those who had been in support of it are disappointed and realize this was not the answer they were looking for. These individuals also come to the conclusion they would prefer Obama accomplish nothing more. Obama no longer has to do anything but take vacations and ask the American people what kind of new dog he should buy. Mission accomplished.

Alternative theory: Obama is an idiot.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Although the new design is not finished yet (Kenric is very close!!!), I would like you all to take notice of our new Sasquatch friend located in right side bar. He is part of the new design and a welcome addition to this blog. The naming of our new friend is now open for discussion. Please post your name ideas as comments.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

As the Competence in the World Declines...

I cannot help but wonder why I am continually punished for attempting to be a responsible citizen. I believe I have had a breakthrough. I relate it to my treatment of those who attempt to take care of themselves and eat healthy. I feel the need to taunt and ridicule someone the instant they tell me they are watching what they eat. I also put forth my best effort to thwart them.

But why Bridget? Why would you do such a thing?

I like to eat...uninhibited and without guilt. Those who chose to eat healthy pose a serious threat, as they create in me an unwelcome sense of guilt and obligation to be more responsible about my eating habits. This is wholly unacceptable.

When I apply these sentiments to other areas of life the incompetence in the world almost makes sense. Almost.

A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with some friends. When the meal was over the waiter brought out separate checks and set them in a pile on the table. We divided them up to the appropriate people, but in the end the waiter had forgotten to bring out a check for my meal. As much as I'd love a free meal, I felt it was my duty to call him back over and ask for a bill. Our waiter had vanished. After waiting awhile I ended up flagging down another waiter to ask for the bill. He looked angry to be disturbed. I told him I had not received a bill and he immediately replied "Are you sure?" and waited for me to search my thoughts and my table to make sure I really meant to disturb him.
"Yes. Positive."
I'm sorry, what? Did you just groan and roll your eyes at me? I don't have to pay for this meal, I love free food.
At this point the waiter walks away. The waiter wanders around the restaurant aimlessly for several minutes and chats with other waiters near the back of the restaurant. Ten minutes later he returns.
"Are you sure you didn't get a bill?"
Did you really just disappear for ten minutes and not come back over here with a bill? "Yes, I am sure I never got my check."
"Hmm," he replies with a look of distrust on his face.
Oh ok! You're right. I'm making it up. Haha! Jokes on you! I already have a bill and I'd like another one so I can pay twice! Funny huh? You caught me! "I really don't have the bill."
"Was it included on anyone else's bill?
Great idea! I never thought of that in the ten minutes you were gone. My friends also didn't notice a whole extra meal and beverage on their tab and happily just payed $16 extra. "Nope. It was not on anyone's bill. Could you please bring me out a bill?"
Waiter walks away.
Waiter returns angrily and hands me a bill.
Theory application: Waiter hates paying bills. Waiter tries to instill in me a hatred of paying bills. Waiter does not have to feel guilty about paying bills if he believes I also do not pay bills.
Alternative theory: Waiter is incompetent.

Sallie Mae and I are not on the best of terms. I've been enrolled as a student and taking classes for the past nine weeks, but they have difficulties acknowledging this. Like clockwork, they continue to send me a bill for student loan repayment every month. I have called five times now to address this issue. Each time I call I am outsourced to India. That makes sense. I'm sure the people living in India have mastered the English language just so they can help me solve my student loan problems. I have difficulty understanding the individual on the phone, as would they if I were trying to explain to them how to open an IRA using my version of Hindi language. Every time I call, I am told something completely different than the previous time I called. For instance, the first time I called I was told all of my loans qualified for deferment. The second time I called I was told my enrollment confirmation had been received on February 7th, but I am still receiving a bill because not all of my loans go into deferment. The third time I called (only a few hours later) I was told that all of my loans qualify for deferment, but they would not receive my confirmation of enrollment until March 22nd. I informed them that the person I spoke with a few hours prior had told me my confirmation had already been received. This individual told me that was impossible, as the university does not send out their confirmations until mid-March. This individual insisted that my status would not go into deferment until mid-March. I called back the next day and discovered that my status was now in deferment as my confirmation had been received that day (February 16th). I asked for a refund of my last payment, considering that I should have been in deferment a month ago and should not have been required to make payments. They informed me that it would take two weeks to refund me the payment that took me thirty seconds to electronically debit.
Theory application: Sallie Mae hates customers. They resent the fact that I am their customer. Sallie Mae diverts all of my calls to India and tells me lies in attempt to make me hate them. Sallie Mae also wants to ensure my experience is bad enough that I discourage all other potential customers, directing additional hatred toward them. Sallie Mae does not need to feel guilty about hating customers, as they are also victims of hatred.
Alternative theory: Sallie Mae is incompetent.

I have a student who has failed to turn in an assignment. The assignment was due on a day he failed to show up for class. The student emailed me to find out what he should do about missing class (did not provide reason/excuse for missing class). I informed the student he could start by emailing me the assignment he missed. I then assigned him another small task to make up for the class time he missed. I never received either. Several weeks later I emailed him and told him I was still awaiting his assignment. He informed me that he was sure he already gave it to me. I informed him that I did not have it, and knew for a fact he never gave it to me. He insisted he completed the assignment. I responded by saying if he completed it, it must be saved on his computer and he shouldn't have a problem sending it to me 'again.' He replied by saying his hard drive was down and it would be quite some time before he could find the assignment and send it to me. That was two weeks ago. Still no assignment.
Theory application: Student prefers smoking pot to completing homework assignments. Student attempts to place blame on me for his lack of assignment completing so he can smoke more pot. Student now assumes I smoke pot as well as I have received a multitude of lame excuses and blatant lies from him, and he assumes this is the logical response to such stress. Student no longer feels guilty about his own recreational activities.
Alternative theory: Student is incompetent.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Penelope Jones

Today is a sad day indeed. My little gerbil Penelope passed away this afternoon. Penelope came to me at a time in my life where I was alone and needed a friend. She kept me company when I first moved to Escanaba and had no friends or family to come home to at night. Penelope and I have a lot of fond memories together, please refer to this post...

A Day in the Life

Penelope is survived by myself, Kenric, her adopted brother and protector Tigger, and her adopted little sister and best friend Lucy.

Penelope Jones Deutsch aka Penny aka P aka "Rat" (my mother) aka "Mousy" (Kenric's mother)

Penelope was a good companion, and always humored me.

Penelope was a patient little gerbil and entertained Tigger when needed.

Penelope was a good big sister for energetic little Lucy.

Penelope and Lucy always snuggled, and Lucy will miss her very much.

Penelope and Kenric loved to goof around together and terrorize people who are afraid of gerbils.

Penelope kept in shape by keeping busy all day long.

She loved to do her part for the environment and shredded cardboard tubes to use as bedding.

We will all miss her very much.

The impact of a tiny creature is not felt until you struggle to fill the giant void she leaves behind.

Rest in peace Penelope, love you lots!

I hope there are lots of sunflower seeds in gerbil heaven.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Chronicles of an Evil Cat: Part 1

I've deemed cats evil for quite some time now. I came into possession of a cat when my sister had to give hers up, on account of allergies (or so she said). In the past I have believed him to be a sinister fellow. He has pooped on my bed in a fit of rage, thrown litter all over my floor, and he enjoys walking in circles around my head when he deems I have slept enough for one night (usually around 3am). Two months ago I moved in with two girls that had a cat of their own. I realize now that Tigger is an angelic saint kitty, as I have met true evil.

Bella is a demon kitty, made of molten hot lava and ash. She is about half of the size of Tigger and has him cowering in fear. When she enters a room, Tigger bolts out of it as though someone has pointed a loaded squirt gun at him. Bella wears a little jingle bell that warns of her arrival. I can hear the bell jingle outside of my bedroom door all night long, as though she is pacing back and forth waiting for her chance to kill me in my sleep...if only she could get the door open. Bella also likes to place objects on the stairs that lead to my bedroom, which is another more subtle attempt on my life.

Clearly there is a demon residing in her little cat body because when she opens her mouth to eat a disturbing sound erupts. This sound is comparable to what I assume a rabid dog foaming at the mouth sounds like when someone threatens to steal his food. The evil spirit which resides in Bella also calls out when one attempts to relocate her. Bella refuses to suffer the indignity of drinking water out of a cat bowl, and instead demands a human glass be placed on the floor for her daily.

Tigger has become a whipped sad version of himself. Some days Bella entraps him in his own litter box, and other days she shuts him out of my room completely so she can sleep on my bed all day. Although Bella disdains cat bowls, she does not hesitate to drink water out of Tigger's water bowl just to spite him. The she-devil waits outside my bedroom door every morning so she can run in and devour all of Tigger's breakfast, regardless of whether or not her own bowl is full of food just up the stairs.

The past couple of months Tigger and I have grown closer, sharing a mutual fear. I no longer throw him off my bed if he steps on my hair in the middle of the night, and he makes a genuine effort to keep his litter in the box. We have reached a common ground because there is safety in numbers, and we won't survive in this apartment if we do not unite against the Satan kitty.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Can't Wait Forever

Well it turns out I cannot wait forever for this new blog design, and so I must start blogging again without it.

Let's get everyone up to speed shall we?

I've moved up to Marquette, MI to pursue my graduate degree. I now have the pleasure of being a broke college student again. My current situation, coupled with my unhealthy attachment to freshly scooped ice cream, Crazy Bread, chicken Caesar wraps, those little pizzas from Subway, and the "number four" at Jimmy Johns, creates a need for me to obtain a part time job.

I've applied at JC Penny, an eye care place, the YMCA, the rec place on campus, Radio Shack, and a variety of other random jobs. This past Tuesday I scored an interview at CARQUEST. Boo ya! Let me just say that this interview was more in-depth than the interview I did to become the athletic trainer at the last hospital I worked at. I also think it's going to be harder for me to get this job, than it was the last a health care professional.

At CARQUEST I would be a team delivery, which would involve delivering car parts to local auto-mechanics. My last job I worked with people recovering from serious heart attacks and surgeries, and provided emergency care for high school athletes.

Does it concern me at all that CARQUEST takes employee hiring more seriously than a hospital?

Yes. Yes it does.

Thumbs up to CARQUEST for being responsible employers. Thumbs down to the hospital for hiring me sight unseen (but also, thanks!).

Also, if CARQUEST is reading this blog post, please hire me. I want to wear that cool polo.