Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Honeymoon Is Over

On Sunday Kenric decided to bake some of his delicious cookies. After hours in the kitchen he had piles of tasty oatmeal walnut chocolate chip cookies. With the utmost care he separated these cookies into different containers to send out to coworkers and friends. He even put a slice of bread in each container to maintain perfect cookie freshness.

When I went out to the kitchen in search of the whereabouts of my portion of the cookies, I found this...

Two burned cookies. Seriously, this is what he set aside for me. After a year and a half, I guess the honeymoon is over. ;)

P.S. Kenric, I made dinner tonight!

Don't worry I saved you some...

I hope I've made myself clear.

Friday, January 11, 2013

It's Just Not For You

People often enter into activities, fashions, or relationships that just aren't for them. I believe it is one's duty to tell people when they've gone astray and set them back on the right path...for their own sake, and for the sake of those they encounter. Public humiliation is usually the best way to accomplish that.

Texting. My mother has recently taken up text messaging in order to stay in touch with my youngest sister when she goes off to college next year. I knew this was a mistake from the beginning, but it became ever more evident on New Year's Eve when I began to receive drunken text messages from her. Sorry Mom, but texting is just not for you. Neither is alcohol

Mustaches. No Shave November or Movember or whatever you want to call it is OVER boys. It's January. Please shave off your nasty looking mustaches. You are not Tom Selleck. No matter what you have deceived yourself into believing, you are not pulling off that mustache. You either look like a pedophile or a prepubescent boy in a Halloween costume. Sorry, but a mustache is just not for you.

My Facebook news feed. Your political rantings are of no concern of mine, nor is every runny nose your child receives. I could do without reading your opinion of Justin Bieber or Britney Spears. I am not particularly interested in what you had for dinner last night or the eight different places you've checked into with Facebook in the last two hours. I am totally fine with you posting these things on Facebook, but please understand that my Facebook news feed is just not for you. Which I why I have removed you indefinitely, yes you.

Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are acceptable for girls that weight 100 lbs no one. Life is hard enough without having to break a sweat trying to vacuum seal yourself into a pair of jeans in the morning. And really, how functional can those be? Good luck outrunning danger and heaven help you if you drop something on the ground. Skinny jeans are just not for you...or anyone else.

Chicken McNuggets. This is directly aimed at Kenric. Please stop eating them before they kill you. You will not be the first to go, we've discussed this. There's something completely unnatural about an order of twenty deep fried blobs of corn, chicken bits, and 36 other ingredients. That's right, there are 38 ingredients in a McNugget, one of which is a form of lighter fluid. I'm not one to come down on fast food either (I love me some McDonald's fries), but there's something about the inside of a McNugget that makes me throw up in my mouth. I remember biting into one about 20 years ago and thinking to myself at the wise age of seven, This is definitely not chicken. Sorry Kenric, but Chicken McNuggets are just not for you, or anyone trying to make it past the age of 50.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

I'm Back?!

It only took five days of lying in bed with a fever to slow me down enough to realize how much I want to start writing again. It has been several years since I have posted, so I think I should start with a brief list of advice for the jokers I have encountered over the past few years. 13 items to kick off the new year!

1) If I tell you that trigger point massage is painful and that you cannot handle it, then you should heed my warning. I'd prefer to not have the cops called on me for domestic violence because you demand I work out the knots in your back and then scream and pound your fists on the floor as though you were being beaten to within an inch of your life. Two squad cars full of cops racing to your apartment door is not ideal. +Emily Schmitz

2) When hosting a graduation BBQ for yourself at your apartment, in which you invite FAMILY and friends, it is best to run a vacuum and possibly clean the bathroom. At the very least you should probably not set up a beer pong table out front for your 3-5 year old nephews to play. There was a hair on my hamburger.

3) I know that I am a sucker who has difficulty saying no to things, but please stop assigning me the crazy patients. I don't enjoy massaging hairy stomachs, working with individuals who scream when I come near them, people who cry at the drop of a hat, or women who tell me their arm hurts because their breasts are too big.

4) When I say I need to start on a "beginner's roller coaster," that does not mean Cedar Point's Magnum XL-200. That was a mean trick. I sobbed, hyperventilated, and blacked out. You are forever on my shit list.
4a)  I will never ride the Millennium Force...never, ever, ever. +Tom Feldpausch

5) It is actually very easy to determine whether or not you are appropriately filling out your time sheets. For example, when you write in 80 hours for a pay period and the clinic is only open for 76 hours I find that suspicious. Especially when I send you home early every day. And you call in sick at least one day. And you arrive late every day. Just saying. It is advisable to cease this behavior before I lose my temper.

6) I hate long walks on the beach. Really. 3 miles through sand? Who enjoys that? Never again and/or next time bring appropriate snacks.

7) I am not sure if bi-racial Siamese twin cookies are Christmas cookies. +Ryan PIerce

8) Bigfoot does not exist, but I do appreciate your enthusiasm in trying to find him. What I don't understand is how you get paid to do it, and why I live paycheck to paycheck helping people feel better. Justice? 

9) You don't get to complain about your job when they throw you two Christmas parties in one week, randomly give you milk and cookies in the break room, let you spin a wheel for prizes, and pay you to build boats for a Snowman Peep Regatta. End of story. +Kenric Feldpausch

10) Slack lines are a crime. As is being a hippie. Stop wandering around the woods and get a job. Smoke less pot, you have enough brain damage.

11) If you are an angry Chicago sports fan after disappointing Cubs and Bears seasons...get over it. Is this your first day in the Chicagoland area? This is what we do. Stop whining and wait for next year like the rest of us.

12) I am not sure if you know, but I think your children are possessed. I know they are cute and all, but you might want to look into that. +Tom Lentz, +Aimee Lentz

13) And to the entire nation I say...Obama again? Really? This is exactly why we can't allow slack lines. (Refer to #10).

Sunday, June 20, 2010

It's here!!!

It's here, it's here!!!!!

My new blog design is up! Isn't it totally awesome?! Thanks Kenric!!!!!


Friday, June 11, 2010

Go Cubs Go?

Dear Chicago Cubs,
I've noticed winning is not a priority in your lives right now. This concerns me for a number of reasons. First of all, I am currently displaying my "This is the Year" banner and your actions as of late make me look foolish. Unacceptable. Also, I know a lot of White Sox fans...unfortunately. Although your record is slightly, and I do stress slightly, better than that of the Soxs, I am continually harassed by those crack addict South-siders because you still think it's a good idea to put Marmol into the game in the 9th inning. Furthermore, Ron Santo cannot handle these shenanigans. He is a fragile man and every time you leave men on the bases his high blood pressure threatens his life. My birthday is Monday, and I am simply asking that you sweep the Sox this weekend. In summary, please pull your heads out of your asses and play some baseball.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

As the Competence in the World Declines...Part 2

In light of recent events I have an addition to one of my last posts.

Yesterday Obama's health care bill was passed despite the fact half of the population opposed it. Not a single republican congressmen voted for it. The 'pro-life' democrats voted for it because Obama made an executive order banning federal fund of abortions...which is useless and can easily be overturned. Our country's financial situation is in the crapper, and the bill will be costly. American citizens who are already struggling financially will be taxed to pay for it.

Theory application: Obama does not know how to back up his eloquent speeches with sensible actions that move this country forward. In order to ensure no one wants him to actually act on the promises he makes, Obama decides to pass a health care bill which is actually a very poor solution to a real problem in this country. P. O. S. health care bill is designed to send the country further into debt, jeopardize unborn children, and bring the country closer to socialism. American people who were opposed to the bill (half of the population) realize they no longer want Obama to come through on his promises or do any kind of action at all. Once the ramifications of the health care bill become evident, even those who had been in support of it are disappointed and realize this was not the answer they were looking for. These individuals also come to the conclusion they would prefer Obama accomplish nothing more. Obama no longer has to do anything but take vacations and ask the American people what kind of new dog he should buy. Mission accomplished.

Alternative theory: Obama is an idiot.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Although the new design is not finished yet (Kenric is very close!!!), I would like you all to take notice of our new Sasquatch friend located in right side bar. He is part of the new design and a welcome addition to this blog. The naming of our new friend is now open for discussion. Please post your name ideas as comments.