Saturday, January 27, 2007

Pardon me, but you look ridiculous

I think I've made it clear that I take Ugg boot wearing as a serious offense. Many of my friends, however, have these retched shoes, and I'm able to overlook it.

Today my older sister informed me of a situation I cannot overlook.

While visiting an indoor water park Aimee came across a most peculiar sight. An 18 year old female on the pool deck fashioning a teeny tiny bikini. Of course this is not abnormal in this day and age, but wait, I'm not finished. A top of this bikini she wore a winter jacket (unzipped), a short jacket with fur lining the hood. To add insanity to madness, this bright young lady was also sporting Ugg boots. Approximate temperature on pool deck: 70 degrees.

Which leads to the all important question: What thought process leads to such a display?

*In Hotel room preparing to go downstairs to the pool*
Hmmm. What to wear? A tiny string bikini! Yes that's it! It is completely useless and will probably fall apart should I actually end up in the water, but darn it, I'll look good.
*Glances out window*
Oh my gosh! Is it snowing? In January? Really? Hmmm. Better take a coat. I'll just take this short one here and not zip it up so the world can still see my amazing suit. I'd like to parade around the pool deck, but it's always so wet. I wouldn't want to dampen my toes. Shoes. Yes shoes would be perfect.
*Opens closet*
Flip, those are summer shoes, it's January.
Tennis, I'm not trying to get a work out in here.
Uggs...oh my gosh! Yes that's perfect. I mean, it is snowing out after all!

It is fortunate that I was not present for this spectacle. Had I come across this unique individual on the pool deck I probably wouldn't have been able to avoid pulling her aside and saying, "Pardon me, but you look ridiculous."

Friday, January 19, 2007

Self Help

Dear Self,
I know that you're tired and sleep deprived. I realize that you just made the 7 1/2 hour trip between Illinois and Marquette 3 times in the last five days, and that you endured a 5 hour interview process in which you actually had to converse with strangers, but you need to find a different form of energy. It is ill advised to completely switch your diet over to caffeinated pop, cappuccinos, and Mike and Ikes just to remain awake during the day. Believe it or not, there is very little nutritional value associated with these recent staples in your life. If you're wondering why your stomach has been so upset lately and why you've been walking around shaking like a crack fiend, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the intense sugar intake might have something to do with it. I am certainly not trying to dispute the fact that the combination of Mountain Dew and Mike and Ikes is an excellent way to stay awake when driving late at night, but I am saying that somewhere a line needs to be drawn. I'm worried about you kid. Take a break. Sleep in tomorrow. Eat something with substance (like pizza). In the future if you're getting tired while driving, roll down the window and stick your head out. Yes I realize it's below freezing and that you drive at an alarming speed, but at least your stomach will be happy.

As long as we're hammering out your issues here, let me address this other thing that has been bothering me. I don't like your relationship with Mike and Ike. I think it's borderline obsessive. I know you don't get to enjoy them very often, but seriously. I'm concerned with the crazy gleam you get in your eye everytime you remember that you still have some left over from your recent trip. Don't think I didn't notice the tears welling up in your eyes earlier today when you bit into that little red one after you had left the box out to freeze in your truck all night. You nearly broke your tooth on that thing, and yet you sucked on it until it was in a chewable state. And yes, I did see how you then took a handful out and held on tight to them for the next five minutes, thawing them in your fist. You may not have minded the sticky residue, but I did. This is unhealthy. Let them go. Find real friends...Sour Patch Kids don't count.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


DISCLAIMER: The following post was forced upon me by the very two people in which the content focuses on. I attempted to warn them that a blog focused on the eradication of idiots is not something you want to be the headliner on. I was ignored. I was begged. “Please blog about us Bridget! It will be funny,” they said, again and again. So I finally broke down. Everything that will be said and any pictures that might be displayed are done so with the expressed consent and encouragement from the so called victims. That is all.

To start us off, let me paint a picture.

10am. New Years day. Bridget passed out in bed with the book she fell asleep while reading lying open next to her. Bridget began her reading after all her guests left the house and she went well into early hours of the morning reading. Bridget’s foreseen awakening time: 12pm.

Beep. Beep. (Text Message Alert)

Exhausted Bridget rolls over to look at clock. 9:58am. Who the hell?
“One new message from: Megan. ‘Colonial for breakfast?’”
No money, must sleep. Phone flips shut without replying (mistake). Bridget returns to sleep.


Exhausted Bridget rolls over to look at clock. 10:01am. Ugh Laura!
Groggy Bridget flips open cell phone to see “Laura” type across screen.
Phone flips shut. Bridget returns to sleep.

Beep. Beep.

Exhausted Bridget rolls over to look at clock. 10:02am. I hate you both!
“One new message from: Laura. ‘Wake up we are hungry. Let’s get food.”
No money, must sleep. Phone flips shut without replying. Bridget returns to sleep.

**Time out. You’re probably thinking, “Idiot! Why didn’t you just shut off your phone?” Answer: I was expecting an important phone call. Or perhaps you are thinking, “Why didn’t you just answer the phone and tell them no?” Answer: Answering the phone will lead to only one thing: giving up, waking up, and meeting them for the breakfast that I can’t afford. Megan and Laura do not take no for an answer. In fact, had I answered the phone, I have a feeling that they would continue to call knowing I was semi awake and not cease in their attempts at communication until I agreed to go. Time in**


Exhausted Bridget rolls over to look at clock. 10:06am. Ugh Megan!
Groggy Bridget flips open cell phone to see “Megan” typed across screen.
Phone flips shut. Bridget returns to sleep.


Exhausted Bridget rolls over to look at clock. 10:07am. Noooo Laura!
Groggy Bridget flips open cell phone to see “Laura” typed across screen.
Phone flips shut. Bridget returns to sleep.

Beep. Beep.

Exhausted and irritated Bridget rolls over to look at clock. 10:11am. Reoccurring Nightmare.
“One new message from: Laura. ‘Colonial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Noooooooooooo! Phone flips shut without replying. Bridget returns to sleep.

Who are these people?

This is Megan and Laura and they believe that if they each alternate calling me in rapid fire then the chance of their call being answered will increase. This is a false notion. They are my close friends from home believe it or not, and I affectionately refer to them as The Jokers. It is useless to refer to them as two separate individuals because that’s just simply not how they function. Megan and Laura have merged into one solid unit of jokerness. For those of you not familiar with this whole concept of being a joker, I will use Megan and Laura to help educate you. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the top 25 ways you know that you are a joker.

You know you’re a joker when…
25)…a canister of Play-Doh brings on fits of laughter.
24)…you believe you are a princess and are therefore entitled to everything you want when you want it.

23)…you can go out to eat four times in one day and still want to go home and eat fudge
22)…you are upset with your friends and decide the best way to resolve the matter is to leave them the following message: We are in a fight. Bye.
21)…you are 21 years old and have no control over your bladder
20)…you are blind without your glasses, but insist that you don’t need them, which nearly causes you to run your bike into the back of a parked car.

19)…seeing someone in a giant Winnie the Pooh costume causes you to turn bright red with excitement and screech “WINNIE THE POOH!”

18)…you wear Ugg boots.
17)…you have to call your best friend up at least once a week to remind her that you are indeed best friends.
16)…you place an open can of beer in your brand new purse because you’re “saving it for later!”
15)…you actually enjoy listening to Ashlee Simpson.
14)…you were surprised and disappointed to find that Lance Bass is gay.

13)…you lack the common sense to know that police officers wouldn’t really call you on your cell phone to say that they know you’re inside someone’s house partying and that they are waiting outside to arrest you.
12)…all of your hair color decisions are based upon the hair color of your joker best friend.
11)…the joke, “Aren’t you two a cute couple,” will never get old to you.
10)…every time you eat a meal you eat to the point where you are so full that eating becomes painful and causes you to make noises such as, “Ugh! Ahhh! Ow! Oh!” as well as make loud long sighs, and then you continue to eat more food.
9)…your accomplishments in your sorority/fraternity are the crowning achievements in your life.
8)…you are deaf to a degree which ensures that everything said during a conversation will have to be repeated for your sake.
7)…you are proud of the POS stereo that occupies your entire trunk and has been broken for several years. You somehow assume that turning it up will drown out the strange noises it emits, therefore causing your backseat passengers to become as deaf as you are.
6)…you self appoint yourself as the minion of your best friend
5)…you attempt to court your best friend’s older brother when drunk.

4)…you show your two other friends how much you value their friendship by inviting them over for a costume party so you can point and laugh at them as they walk in dressed as an oompa loompa and scarecrow, taking pleasure in the horrified look on their face when greeted by your costumeless entourage.
3)…instead of exchanging Christmas presents like normal people you tell your best friend that you’ve developed a new game in which she takes you shopping, you tell her to try to guess what you want (giving her extremely helpful hints) and then when she finally comes to the right decision you send her to the checkout to buy it for you.
2)…you go to Disneyworld and spend as much time as possible in the dingy hotel room which you hate, and that you’ve spent the last month describing as disgusting and low class, making your other two friends (who, unlike you, had to pay for the trip with their own money) feel guilty about not being able to afford something classy enough to please you. Also, while wasting away your time and parent’s money in said hotel room, you decide it would be fun to make the room appear as though a tampon machine exploded in the middle of the room conveniently sending tampons sailing all over the belongings of the only male on the trip.
1)…you actually requested to be the subject of one of Bridget’s blog posts.