Friday, January 19, 2007

Self Help

Dear Self,
I know that you're tired and sleep deprived. I realize that you just made the 7 1/2 hour trip between Illinois and Marquette 3 times in the last five days, and that you endured a 5 hour interview process in which you actually had to converse with strangers, but you need to find a different form of energy. It is ill advised to completely switch your diet over to caffeinated pop, cappuccinos, and Mike and Ikes just to remain awake during the day. Believe it or not, there is very little nutritional value associated with these recent staples in your life. If you're wondering why your stomach has been so upset lately and why you've been walking around shaking like a crack fiend, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the intense sugar intake might have something to do with it. I am certainly not trying to dispute the fact that the combination of Mountain Dew and Mike and Ikes is an excellent way to stay awake when driving late at night, but I am saying that somewhere a line needs to be drawn. I'm worried about you kid. Take a break. Sleep in tomorrow. Eat something with substance (like pizza). In the future if you're getting tired while driving, roll down the window and stick your head out. Yes I realize it's below freezing and that you drive at an alarming speed, but at least your stomach will be happy.

As long as we're hammering out your issues here, let me address this other thing that has been bothering me. I don't like your relationship with Mike and Ike. I think it's borderline obsessive. I know you don't get to enjoy them very often, but seriously. I'm concerned with the crazy gleam you get in your eye everytime you remember that you still have some left over from your recent trip. Don't think I didn't notice the tears welling up in your eyes earlier today when you bit into that little red one after you had left the box out to freeze in your truck all night. You nearly broke your tooth on that thing, and yet you sucked on it until it was in a chewable state. And yes, I did see how you then took a handful out and held on tight to them for the next five minutes, thawing them in your fist. You may not have minded the sticky residue, but I did. This is unhealthy. Let them go. Find real friends...Sour Patch Kids don't count.
Love,
Yourself

7 comments:

Kenric said...

The Mike and Ikes certainly don't help the crack fiendish shaking that's already going on whenever you have to sit for extended periods of time.

Rachael said...

how do you feel about sweedish fish?

Bridget said...

Sweedish fish are the only fish in the world I consume without having to be held at gun point. I hold them in very high esteem. They probably fall somewhere between sour patch kids and Clark bars. Darn it, now I want some.

Kenric said...

what about Whatchamacallits?

Kenric said...

new post.

Angela said...

Now what about cheesy gold fish! They are also very nutritious! THat is how I get my Omega 3 and fish oil that everyone says you need to consume. Hello vitamins.

Bridget said...

Mmmmm gold fish. Except I like the original kind best. But cheesy works. As long as it's cheddar, not that other junk.