Wednesday, January 02, 2013

I'm Back?!

It only took five days of lying in bed with a fever to slow me down enough to realize how much I want to start writing again. It has been several years since I have posted, so I think I should start with a brief list of advice for the jokers I have encountered over the past few years. 13 items to kick off the new year!

1) If I tell you that trigger point massage is painful and that you cannot handle it, then you should heed my warning. I'd prefer to not have the cops called on me for domestic violence because you demand I work out the knots in your back and then scream and pound your fists on the floor as though you were being beaten to within an inch of your life. Two squad cars full of cops racing to your apartment door is not ideal. +Emily Schmitz

2) When hosting a graduation BBQ for yourself at your apartment, in which you invite FAMILY and friends, it is best to run a vacuum and possibly clean the bathroom. At the very least you should probably not set up a beer pong table out front for your 3-5 year old nephews to play. There was a hair on my hamburger.

3) I know that I am a sucker who has difficulty saying no to things, but please stop assigning me the crazy patients. I don't enjoy massaging hairy stomachs, working with individuals who scream when I come near them, people who cry at the drop of a hat, or women who tell me their arm hurts because their breasts are too big.

4) When I say I need to start on a "beginner's roller coaster," that does not mean Cedar Point's Magnum XL-200. That was a mean trick. I sobbed, hyperventilated, and blacked out. You are forever on my shit list.
4a)  I will never ride the Millennium Force...never, ever, ever. +Tom Feldpausch

5) It is actually very easy to determine whether or not you are appropriately filling out your time sheets. For example, when you write in 80 hours for a pay period and the clinic is only open for 76 hours I find that suspicious. Especially when I send you home early every day. And you call in sick at least one day. And you arrive late every day. Just saying. It is advisable to cease this behavior before I lose my temper.

6) I hate long walks on the beach. Really. 3 miles through sand? Who enjoys that? Never again and/or next time bring appropriate snacks.

7) I am not sure if bi-racial Siamese twin cookies are Christmas cookies. +Ryan PIerce

8) Bigfoot does not exist, but I do appreciate your enthusiasm in trying to find him. What I don't understand is how you get paid to do it, and why I live paycheck to paycheck helping people feel better. Justice? 

9) You don't get to complain about your job when they throw you two Christmas parties in one week, randomly give you milk and cookies in the break room, let you spin a wheel for prizes, and pay you to build boats for a Snowman Peep Regatta. End of story. +Kenric Feldpausch

10) Slack lines are a crime. As is being a hippie. Stop wandering around the woods and get a job. Smoke less pot, you have enough brain damage.

11) If you are an angry Chicago sports fan after disappointing Cubs and Bears seasons...get over it. Is this your first day in the Chicagoland area? This is what we do. Stop whining and wait for next year like the rest of us.

12) I am not sure if you know, but I think your children are possessed. I know they are cute and all, but you might want to look into that. +Tom Lentz, +Aimee Lentz

13) And to the entire nation I say...Obama again? Really? This is exactly why we can't allow slack lines. (Refer to #10).


Emily Schmitz said...

My favorite was #10. Oh, how I've missed your blog!!!!!!!!!!

Tom said...

In my defense to #4, you didn't want to go on any of the great coasters. Blue Streak was on your "Yes" list, but it was broken down in the beginning of the day so we proceeded onto the rest of the park. You didn't want to go Corkscrew. But it would have been a nice height for you, but it is kinda rough thanks to the shoulder harness. Iron Dragon could have been a nice starter coaster for you. But you wouldn't have gone on anything else (because it was your favorite).

It all came down to your list. You didn't want any upside coasters, not fast, or high, or launched coasters, not rough. So the only thing you are left with was the Iron Dragon. Those characteristics describe more than half of the coasters at Cedar Point. But you did go on Raptor which is surprising since it is upside down, sorta fast and high.

Back in my day, the Corkscrew and Junior Gemini were the beginning coasters. Nowadays, if you want the end result to ride the big ones (which I guess you don't), you have to ride the Magnum as your beginner, because it is tiny compared to MF and TTD. But I did say the climb on the Magnum is worse than MF and TTD. But I guess there is no way to believe me because you will never ride MF (the second best coaster at CP).

End of novel.

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