Friday, January 11, 2013

It's Just Not For You

People often enter into activities, fashions, or relationships that just aren't for them. I believe it is one's duty to tell people when they've gone astray and set them back on the right path...for their own sake, and for the sake of those they encounter. Public humiliation is usually the best way to accomplish that.

Texting. My mother has recently taken up text messaging in order to stay in touch with my youngest sister when she goes off to college next year. I knew this was a mistake from the beginning, but it became ever more evident on New Year's Eve when I began to receive drunken text messages from her. Sorry Mom, but texting is just not for you. Neither is alcohol


Mustaches. No Shave November or Movember or whatever you want to call it is OVER boys. It's January. Please shave off your nasty looking mustaches. You are not Tom Selleck. No matter what you have deceived yourself into believing, you are not pulling off that mustache. You either look like a pedophile or a prepubescent boy in a Halloween costume. Sorry, but a mustache is just not for you.

My Facebook news feed. Your political rantings are of no concern of mine, nor is every runny nose your child receives. I could do without reading your opinion of Justin Bieber or Britney Spears. I am not particularly interested in what you had for dinner last night or the eight different places you've checked into with Facebook in the last two hours. I am totally fine with you posting these things on Facebook, but please understand that my Facebook news feed is just not for you. Which I why I have removed you indefinitely, yes you.

Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are acceptable for girls that weight 100 lbs no one. Life is hard enough without having to break a sweat trying to vacuum seal yourself into a pair of jeans in the morning. And really, how functional can those be? Good luck outrunning danger and heaven help you if you drop something on the ground. Skinny jeans are just not for you...or anyone else.

Chicken McNuggets. This is directly aimed at Kenric. Please stop eating them before they kill you. You will not be the first to go, we've discussed this. There's something completely unnatural about an order of twenty deep fried blobs of corn, chicken bits, and 36 other ingredients. That's right, there are 38 ingredients in a McNugget, one of which is a form of lighter fluid. I'm not one to come down on fast food either (I love me some McDonald's fries), but there's something about the inside of a McNugget that makes me throw up in my mouth. I remember biting into one about 20 years ago and thinking to myself at the wise age of seven, This is definitely not chicken. Sorry Kenric, but Chicken McNuggets are just not for you, or anyone trying to make it past the age of 50.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

BUT I WAS SOBER :)

Bridget Feldpausch said...

That's your story