Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Crotchety Can Wait

I think that we are all familiar with the concept of young people wanting to grow up too fast. Perhaps, some of us have even fallen victim to this. I (naturally) have not, as I still retain the mentality of a small child and throw tantrums when I get too hungry and/or tired. On the other hand, my boyfriend Kenric is practically already riding his SCOOTER Store Scooter around on the other end of the spectrum.

He has made it very clear since we first started dating that he cannot wait to be an old man. Not just an old man, but a crotchety old man. The kind that sits out on his front porch yelling at the neighborhood kids as they walk by. The kind that fall asleep in public places and then wake up with a start yelling, as if resuming an argument with no one. He'd probably have a shot gun to ward off any stray dogs or bold children who stepped foot on his lawn. When I questioned his motivation for wanting to be an old man he replied, "I can choose to be crazy, such as yelling random things at people, and they're powerless to stop it; in fact, they won't think anything of it because I'm 'senile'".

In my line of work I've met many elderly gentlemen of the cantankerous variety (Side note: no, cantankerous is not part of my daily vocab, but according to the GRE it's part of a long list of vocabulary I should have learned in college. Using it in this blog post somehow makes all the studying I did for the GRE a little bit less of a waste of time). From my numerous encounters with these men, I've concluded I'm not ready for Kenric to be a grumpy old man yet. He is, however, determined to be one and so I will take this opportunity to make a few small requests.

1) If your teeth and/or gums start to bother you, call the dentist and make an appointment. Do not show up to the dentist office unannounced, and expect to be seen immediately. If, however, you do make this mistake and are sent home to return at a later date (when you actually have an appointment scheduled) do not get frustrated and simply pull all four of your front bottom teeth out yourself. This can be painful, unsightly, and cause difficulty eating.

2) Do not begin to refer to me as "the girlfriend" especially when using a tone that suggests I am slightly insane.

3) Shouting in a whisper-like voice is actually still audible to everyone around you. Do not use this technique to express how displeased you are with certain people in your presence. Chances are they will here you as well as I will.

4) Do not tell complete strangers your plots to end the misery of people you deem more decrepit than you are.

5) If you go to the doctor for a serious health condition, please do not wilfully disregard all of their instructions and attempt to do the exact opposite. When a medical personnel instructs you to begin walking 30 min a day, please do not tell them you are going to sit on the couch and do as little as humanly possible. This discourages the people attempting to save your life.

6) When someone tries to be nice and decides to drive you around to get some errands done, do not complain the entire time. Riding in a Subaru Outback is not "being crammed in like a sardine."

7) When you are eighty years old, you will not have the same strength as you do right now. Therefore, when you reach this age it is inappropriate for you to offer to build a ten foot stone monument for a golf course. If said golf course owners are idiotic enough to take you up on your offer, find some young men to help you. Do not attempt to lift stone blocks up over your head by yourself...especially if you have just had rotator cuff surgery.

8) If you end up waiting in a WAITING room for two minutes past your appointment time, be grateful it's not twenty, and don't give the person retrieving you a hard time. Furthermore, when that person goes out of her way to be five minutes early to retrieve you for your next visit, don't harass her and remark that her timeliness is a miracle.

9) If you're going to tell the same story to the same person every time you see them, try to spice it up a bit each time. Add in new characters, like a lemur named Ed, or a homeless guy who stole your dentures.

10) For the millionth time, no I will not race you around Walmart in the handicap scooters. And it's not because I don't care, it's because I care too much ;)

12 comments:

Margaux said...

All I can say is... WOW.
I've never met "the boyfriend" (how do you like that) but I can tell you that he sounds like a Deutsch.
This post made my day. Thanks for always making me laugh.
-margaux

Anonymous said...

I am not sure what Margaux means by, "He sounds like . . ." Does that mean we are all old, crotchety or continuously telling the same story very loudly to all around us. In any event, scooter races sure sound like alot of fun. Maybe Kenric can let me know if there is a scooter store in our area.

P.S. FN--send me your email address--FA

Margaux said...

HA! I mean that someday, we'll all be chasing small children out of our yards for fun.

Ryne said...

Can you please start calling Kenric your old man?!

krustacianken said...

but...the scooters....they look so fun :(

krustacianken said...

a homeless guy who steals dentures! you make me lol.

Bridget said...

Aunt Lori,
bridget.deutsch@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

And Margaux, I must say that I AM already chasing small children out of the yard. It is a bit disturbing, but I feel as if I am following in some very big footsteps and I am trying my best to fill those shoes. Someone has to do it.--Aunt Lori

Anonymous said...

How come she gets to be the FA, maybe I want you for the FN.
Love, FAM
tehe I broke the code. Life will never be the same for you two again!!!

Bridget said...

It's because I am aware of who my godmother is...unlike a certain godchild of yours who shall not be named.

Jess said...

ummm can i just say i love you miss bridget!!!! this made me laugh a lot- i miss you tons!

pilgrimchick said...

I'll give him credit for seeing the "bright side" of the aging process. No chance of a mid-life crisis for him.