Wednesday, September 06, 2006

CIA and Facebook Join Forces!

Apparently the CIA has some notion that the most threatening terrorists can be found among the American college student population. Why else would they have joined forces with Facebook? I know that many of my readers have no idea what I'm talking about, but for my fellow college students, be afriad, be very afriad. They are on to us. They are watching our every move. I logged into Facebook today, and before I could even view my own profile I was met with a list of every move my Facebook friends had made over the last several days. It was unsettling. I now know unnecessary things like, "Laura added Fight Club to her favorite movies. 8:54pm," and, "Matt is now single. 10:11pm," and my personal favorite, "Kerri, Ellen, Jillian, and Bob joined the group Steve Irwin may you rest in peace. 10:08am." This list seemed to say to me, "You think the information we've gathered on your friends is creepy, you should see what we have on you!" Which in turn causes me to log off very quickly, close my curtains, lock my door, and never leave my apartment again. Seriously, I feel like logging onto Facebook is like making a call on an unsecured line when running from the authorities. I make sure I'm only on for about 30 seconds and then I sign off in hopes that I haven't just given them enough time to trace my location.
Not only is this a powerful tool for tracking down potential enemies of the government, but it is a stalker's wet dream. I can feel a nightmare coming on already. It will include a 5'2" pimply faced, 90 lb, toothless wonder with slicked back bleached hair wandering around Marquette with a handheld internet accessing device, which will lead him right to my apartment. On the way things will pop onto the screen like:
Bridget consumes an oreo, 11:35pm
Bridget turns on her radio, 11:40pm
Bridget consumes an oreo, 11:41pm
Bridget turns off her radio when confronted with the overplayed Daniel Powter, 11:42pm
Bridget consumes an oreo, 11:43pm
Why would this toothless wonder be stalking me? He's hungry. He knows there's a girl in his proximity who eats more than her fair share, and he's coming for my oreos.
Pinch me.

I've contemplated quitting Facebook altogether, but I feel like they've already gained all the information about me that they need. It's logged into a master database somewhere and stalkers and CIA agents the world over are analyzing it for some hidden message. They scour my list of favorite movies and books drawing conclusions like, "She likes Audrey Hepburn movies and she reads a lot of Jane Austen, clearly she's planning to conquer the world."
I bet right now they sense that I'm onto their operation and a team has been dispatched to come terminate my existence. If this is the last blog post you ever see from me then they've gotten to me, and it's up to you to fight the good fight in my place.
This is Bridget signing off, good night and good luck.

8 comments:

evilkeight said...

My flatmate and I decided that the ultimate horror would be if it started telling how many times I checked a person's profile...

Rob said...

I hadn't bleached my hair yet, but that's not a bad idea!!

Thanks for the laugh

Laura said...

I am pretty sure that me adding Fight Club to one of my favorite movies is not an unneccessary thing

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Jordan and I are on a black list somewhere and one day might just "disappear"... At least you'll know what happened.
MD

Anonymous said...

Bridget.. I just caught up on all your blogs and I loved all of them. I totally needed a laugh today and knew just where to find some. I can always count on you even though you are far away..

AD

Ogre said...

Yeah, no shit. It's frightening and rediculus at the same time. But they did make a cute apology letter. I love how all the informaiton is stored as well. I reactivated it to find a club and all my information was perfectly saved like I never left.

Needless to say, it's gone again. The post was stellarly written as usual. See you at el mass.

slskenyon said...

I tried to join facebook recently. You need a university address in order to become a member, so I actually went though the steps to acquire one from my previous alma mater. No, this wasn't an easy task. In order to get an alumni address, I needed my ID number. My what? ID number? I couldn't have quoted that to you when I had student ID in hand every day let alone years later when I have credit card numbers and insurance information to remember. Finally, I get a number via e-mail from the webmaster, which bears absolutely no resemblence to anything I recall. Now, I have my address. Then, I sign up and a huge red sign, only minus the flashing element, pops up saying I am ineligible. Then, I came across your blog post on the matter, and I realized why--my life isn't interesting enough to be facebook-published. I'll start eating some oreos, then I'll get back to you on my success rate.

Anonymous said...

This is the CIA... We are sad to inform all of the readers of this blog that it will no longer be posted online. Due to the disturbing information presented, we will be forced to take action. We apologize for Bridget's lies.