Tuesday, September 19, 2006

GRE Results

Standardized Testing Association
1001 Asshat Ave.
Sucktown, USA 66666

Dear Bridget,

Thank you for taking the GRE. We appreciate all the time you wasted this summer studying for it. We regret to inform you that based on your scores you are officially an idiot. Several investigations have been launched since scoring your test in an attempt to figure out how you've made it so far in life. We are completely baffled you were able to graduate 8th out of 456 students in high school, when our flawless test clearly indicates you shouldn't have made it out of elementary school. We find your collegiate performance absolutely inexplicable. How is one to obtain a GPA such as yours when you obviously have no verbal or quantitative abilities? We assumed you had been bribing your professors thus far, but a thorough investigation into the contents of your refrigerator revealed that you are completely broke (you should buy less books and more food).

Here at the Standardized Testing ASSociation we strive on letting students know exactly how they will perform throughout their educational experiences based on a test they take in 3 hours. Life holds for us few distinctions Bridget, but one thing is certain, you are an idiot and you will go no where. We thought we had made this clear with your ACT score. Apparently you didn't get the message because you still went to college, and here we find you again. Hopefully this GRE score will deter you from pursuing any kind of future, as it is only fair to those who might have to encounter your incompetentence if you, heaven forbid, continue on in the medical field. We bet you are regretting putting your prospective graduate program codes into our computer because we totally sent them your scores! Yet another example of your idiocy. We hope that you hold no grudge and come back to us should you ever again need your confidence shattered and your self-esteem slapped across the face.

Ever Most Sincerely,

Mr. Ima Asshat
Standard Testing Association, President


Ogre said...

AWH!!!!!!!, this post was sad! I'm sorry Bridget. Like you said, those test don't mean anything. You were 8th in your HS class, I'm sure you'll be top tier here in Northern. Grad school, I'm sure you will continue to haul ass and be proud.

Ryne said...

I bet you a million bucks you did good on the test just like the many times you have "failed" classes with A's.

Bridget said...

I bet you a million more bucks I have my test scores in hand, and I did not "fail" I BOMBED. But I appreciate your confidence.

laura said...

bridget...i am going to have nothing to look forward to in my life because let's face it...my GPA sucks, and i am sure that you did fine...because if you didn't, there is no hope for the rest of us

p.s. ryne....you meant she did "well" on the test...thank god you aren't taking it because you would obviously fail

slskenyon said...

I can't tell you how many times I took the GRE. I remember buying at least two of each of those books like "GRE for Dummies" or whatever, trying to study for them. Then, upon arriving at the "test center," which suspiciously looked like one of those labs where they tested electroshock therapy in the 1950s, I sat in a cubicle with a camera on me for two hours to take the test.

Point being: I never did well. It was a pain in my ass. However, my good friend, Lindsay, did far worse than I did, and she's one of the most brilliant people I know. Yeah, I'm sure you've heard a hundred stories like that, but regardless of the fact that neither of us did well on the GRE, we still got to school anyway, and took great pride in kicking the academic asses of those kids who got a perfect score(have you ever met an interesting person who got above a 1500 on ANY standardized test? If so, let me know, because I surely have not).

BionicBuddha said...

The test is no indication of success, nor is it even any standard benchmark of intelligence. I'm sure your creativity, sense of humour and writing ability can't be quantified or measured in a 3 hr exam....use these results as motivation. I am sure you will be hugely successful at whatever you choose!


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Anonymous said...

This is years later, so no one will read it, but just thought I'd add my 2 cents. I graduated 10 years ago with a 2.3ish GPA. Dismal. I got a couple of D's and one F and a bunch of C's. and a few B's. My last 2 semesters I got an A and an A- and I thought that this was the greatest thing ever. In the 10 years of real life SINCE I graduated, I've gotten fired a bunch, and I've dropped out of 2 graduate programs without completing the courses in my drop-out semester. I am officially a loser. Now, at age 34, I figure I'll take another crack at grad school and try for some programs that require the GREs. Took them 2 weeks ago and got V:800, M:780, A:6.0. That's almost perfect. Guess what? It means NOTHING WHATSOEVER. Great students and great achievers get low scores, and people like me get almost perfect scores. Truth be told, I think the ETS should receive a kick in the pants, because they obviously have no idea what they're doing.

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