Friday, September 08, 2006

The Napoleonization of Men

I have been fed a lie since I was 11 years old. When my 6th grade Health teacher told me that one day boys would actually cease to be 5 foot midgets and grow to be taller than me, I believed her. It is now 10 years later, and I'm still waiting. Seriously, what is going on? I am not even that tall, I'm only 5'7", and yet I find that there is an alarming shortage of male prospects taller than me. Basically, my generally single state is not my fault. I can't go dating someone who weighs less than me, my self-esteem cannot take that one on. And because I'm not anorexic, if you are shorter than me, you weigh less than me.
So my question is, what is stunting male growth in my generation? Was it all those artificial ingredients they piled into the Superman and Cotton Candy ice cream flavors? Was it a lack of physical activity due to hours and hours devoted to Nintendo 64 (this would make sense as it came out when I was in 6th grade, so maybe my teacher couldn't have predicted what was to come, in which case she is forgiven)? Were you boys hiding in the tunnel slides during recess inhaling illegal substances while us girls played Polly Pockets? Did you not eat your vegetables? Or perhaps was it your innate desire to be like the FisherPrice Little People you grew up with, and you just willed yourselves not to grow?
Regardless of motive or cause, the fact remains that the Napoleon style is back, and quite possibly here to stay. Needless to say it's an unsettling notion. I was depending on finding a taller, slightly chubbier significant other to make me feel better about myself. Now what am I going to do? are so insensitive.
I am aware that not all men are hobbit sized, but I'm also aware that the short skinny skanks of the world are monopolizing these men. Ladies, ladies, ladies...not cool. For you finding someone who soars above you in height and weight is easy, so why do you insist on sticking it to the rest of us? I mean come on!
I do realize that being short is something that many men are not proud of, and it's something they themselves can't change now (well there are procedures like breaking your legs and inserting rods...ok maybe that's asking too much), but the least they can do is bulk up a bit. Short guys...ok can't help it, but short skinny guys...what the heck?! You're only hurting yourselves.
Before the hate mail starts coming from the vertically challenged men in the world, let me just say, I have nothing personal against being short. My father is no giant, and my brother is the shortest kid on his cross country team and he's a junior. I'm just trying to raise an awareness that somewhere growing up, you probably did something wrong, and one day when you marry your short skinny girlfriends and have tiny little babies make sure you raise them to avoid these errors so that the average heighted women of the next generation will stand a fighting chance.


Anonymous said...

Bridget..I feel your pain. I joined the battle for years. Finally, they won out. The same thing happened with Nicole Kidman (Tom Cruise), Jane Kaczmarek (Bradley Whitford), Miss Piggy (Kermit), the list goes on... At some point you have to be ok with not seeing eye to eye...and to take advantage of curbs and steps.

slskenyon said...

I have taken a pass on the skinny short men myself. I may be "unattached" at present, but at least I am not living in fear of breaking my significant other or having to correct people when they assume I am either on a low-paying babysitting job or that I am out with my little brother for some quality time.

Bridget said...

That's right! Stay strong. It's basically a law suit waiting to happen.