Thursday, November 16, 2006

Wedding Lesson 1

My sister's wedding was actually very educational for me, and in addition to gaining a new brother-in-law, I also came away with some valuable life lessons. The first of which was taught to me by my very own new brother-in-law, Tom.

**It is important at this moment to state that now that Aimee and Tom are married, and Tom is officially part of our family, I will no longer be restraining myself. He shall be treated just as I treat my own brother and we all know that I'm not particularly nice to Johnny.

Although Tom's lesson doesn't apply to me as a woman, it is important for all you men out there, and I feel it is my duty to share this new found knowledge:

Do NOT, under any circumstance, leave your new bride at the church post wedding. This kind of action is highly frowned upon and causes a happy bride to turn into an angry bride who may consider chopping of your "hoo hoo" in the middle of the night (thanks Cat for that nice term).

It is understood that there is time to kill between the wedding ceremony and the reception, but when considering what to do with this extra time, the bride should be factored into the equation. When the ushers say to you, "Hey let's grab a quick drink at the bar," it is your duty to first collect your bride and then head over to the bar. It is not appropriate to get to the bar first and then request that your bride join you there. This is especially important when you make the decision to walk to the bar, and also require that she make the trek on foot. You are wearing a tux and shoes that do not hoist you an extra 3 inches off of the ground. She is wrapped in 50 lbs of fabric that poofs out to the size of the liberty bell. She is in a white dress with white shoes and does not want to walk 2 blocks to the bar. This causes her to turn on you and compare your actions to the more intelligent decisions of her friends' husbands...this is not a good start. She will say things like, "Michelle, did Mike leave you at the church?" Knowing full well that he did not. She will then continue down the list of all her married bridesmaids determining that you are the only idiot to commit such a crime. This is especially dangerous with a bridal party of 7.

Foresight is also recommended in these situations. You must consider the fact that a wedding dress does not allow for storage of any kind. Chances are your beautiful, and now hostile wife will not be carrying her ID with her. Therefore, when she arrives to the bar after having to walk several blocks in 30 degree weather, she is just going to become angrier when denied alcohol. Once it is established that she is ID-less, do not order her a pepsi and then proceed to have a shot with her little sister...even if this said little sister is myself, and appeasing her is vital to your future happiness in this family. Instead, you should leap up from your bar stool, sprint back to the church, go get the car, pick her up, obtain her ID, and take her somewhere nice where she can get a strawberry margarita.

Lesson learned.


Ogre said...

Oh the poor pacifier. I think I'm making a deviation on our trip to chicago.....I will be checking out the inner city and skipping out on the house vist at the deutches.

Kenric said...

"and appeasing her is vital to your future happiness in this family"


Cat said...

You're welcome on the use of that word. It is a very good use of the word.