Saturday, September 08, 2007

Diseased

Some people are really good at being sick. What I mean to say is, some people handle it much more gracefully than others. In fact, they hardly let on that they are sick at all, and if you weren't around them long enough to take in all the coughing and nose blowing, you'd never even know.

I am not some people.

When I feel ill, all the world must know. When I get sick I'm never just, "not feeling well," I'm always, "dying." I am not the kind of person to lock myself away in my bedroom and reemerge when all is well. I must surround myself with reluctant individuals so I have ample victims to whine at. I moan and groan, and shift around restlessly, ensuring that everyone knows I am uncomfortable and displeased with my current state.

I am demanding.
Example:
Anna's voicemail: Hi you've reached Anna...blah, blah, blah...leave a message after the peep.
Me: Anna, this is Bridget. I hope the reason you're not answering your phone right now is that you're making me chicken noodle soup from scratch. I'm on my way over to your house right now.

I refuse anything that makes sense.
Example:
Me: I don't feel well.
Mom: Bridget, did you take anything?
Me: NO!
Mom: Well...
Me: Wha?
Mom: How old are you?

I am wholly unreasonable.
Example:
Location: Meijer Store, Soft Drink Aisle
Current state: feverish, coughing/hacking, red eyes (possibly even glowing), wandering through aisle clearly distressed
Meijer Shelf Stocker: Can I help you?
Me: *Angry glare* You can start by explaining why there is no Vernors on these shelves.
Stocker: Vernors?
Me: Vernors! The original ginger soda! A Michigan original since 1866!
Stocker: Oh! You need some ginger ale! Ok, well right here we have Canada Dry.
Me: *Eyes narrowing into an even angrier glare* Are you kidding me? I'm sick and quite possibly dying. I need a cure all, not some pansy Canadian ginger ale. Do you want me to be dead by morning?!
Stocker: I'm sure they taste the same.
Me: *Eyes widening into utter disbelief* No. It's not the same. Kenric always brings me Vernors when I'm sick!
Stocker: *Blank stare*
Me: This is an outrage, I'll shop elsewhere.

For those of you thinking, "Bridget, that doesn't sound like you. You don't like to talk to strangers." Well, you're right. Most of that conversation probably occurred in my head, but in my current diseased state I can no longer tell the difference between fiction and reality. If you'd like a more accurate version, it probably went more like this...

Meijer Shelf Stocker: Can I help you?
Me: No thanks. *Leaves store empty handed and buys Vernors elsewhere*

I am morbid.
Example:
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Palpating my stomach.
Mom: Why?
Me: I'm making sure my appendix is not about to burst open and kill me.
Mom: Just go to bed.

I am dramatic.
Example:
Thermometer reading: 99.4 degrees F.
"Ahhh! I have a fever. I AM dying!"

I am slightly over the top.
Example:
Location: Meijer Store Checkout
Cashier scans...
1 Bottle DayQuil Cold & Flu
1 Bottle NyQuil Cough
1 Pack Cepacol Sore Throat Cherry Flavored Extra Strength Lozenges (18pack)
1 Pack Cepacol Sore Throat + Cough Mixed Berry Lozenges (18 pack) [is it bad that the back of the box has a limit on how many I can consume in a 24 hour period (12)?]
1 Bottle of Extra Strength Rapid Release Tylenol

Knowing that I am extremely unpleasant and whiny in this state, I have taken several measures to overcome my current illness. Last night I went to bed at 9:30pm. This is huge for me. Unfortunately all the coughing and hacking made for a very restless night, and I finally rolled out of bed 12 hours later feeling much worse than I had before. I went out and bought a pharmacy worth of drugs (see above), but they don't seem to be helping. I tell you all of this so that you may avoid all contact with me. My family has left the house for the day leaving me no one to whine at all day, and so the next person I speak with will get the brunt of a days worth of whining that I've been storing up.

You've been warned.

8 comments:

twofortango said...

Get over it you big baby :)
Just kidding....Hope you feel better!

Cat said...

Bridget....I live by Zicam! In the spring I got a horrible flu...so, I stayed home for four days... in those four days I took the following:

Zicam (the nose gel stuff)
Airborne
Nyquil (even during the day..that way I slept as opposed to sit up and watch TV all day or WRITE BLOGS)

within four days - I was healed!

Rob said...

I'm a lot like you when I'm sick. Everyone should be at my beacon call and if I have to suffer, everybody else has to suffer!

Hope you feel better soon.

p.s. I'm jealous. I miss Meijers!!!

Kenric said...

marquette should have a Meijer. Bridget, i hope you get better soon.

Jess H. said...

oh bridgie...haha...feel better! give me a call, you may whine to me all you want!!

slskenyon said...

Ah, I can truly relate. Upon the acquisition of what appeared to be a minor cold last week, I found myself on antibiotics, sitting next to a steam machine, and holding a doctor's note that released me from work for a week.

Stuff that made me feel better:
Long TV marathons of high-drama, low-quality shows

Advil Cold and Sinus, as much as possible

Pudding pops, all varieties.

Bridget said...

Stay away from dayquil, it makes you collapse and lose consciousness.

Emily said...

Hahaha, oh Bridget I love you.

I miss Meijer's a lot.

And remember, being sick isn't THAT bad ;)