Fat Cow Disease

It's happened. I mean I knew it would happen sooner or later. Once Mad Cow Disease started spreading like wildfire I knew it was only a matter of time before Fat Cow Disease followed suit. I think I've contracted it, or at least I have all the symptoms. Perhaps it has been lying dormant in my system for the last couple months, lulling me into a false sense of security. But now it's rearing its ugly fat cow head. This disease is gruesomely forcing me to consume all that is in my presence at all times. I've made enemies with anything remotely resembling a vegetable, and my sickend body only craves that which will turn me into something resembling large cattle. This ailment has created a degree of dementia which causes me to think crazy thoughts like, "I don't need a man dammit! Not when I can eat a pint of ice cream garnished with half a package of double-stuffed oreos!" As it slowly overtakes my body, I have become more and more lethargic and "exercise" has become an evil word that sends waves of repulsion through my body and causes me to lie convulsing on the floor. My future is grim unless a cure is quickly found. I'm not exactly looking for a little pill to whisk away this problem. In fact, I'd be happy with just a nice large oreo shake that tastes like heaven, but which will actually make me thinner. Get to work!