Tuesday, August 01, 2006

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Thinner

Here in the wonderful suburbs of Chicago the sun is making its presence known. The heat index has reached a comfortable 115 degrees. In situations like this I do what anyone with an ounce of common sense does. I close the blinds, crank up the AC, crawl down to the basement, and lie on the couch reading a book. When flipping the pages of a book begins to require more energy than I can summon, I flip on the T.V. and lie as still as possible praying for the sun to go down five hours early. A trip to the post office pulled me most unwillingly out of my cave of coolness and out into the blistering sun. As I opened the front door a gust of hot steamy air enveloped me and I gasped for air. I thought about turning right back around, but mustered the courage to close the door behind me, separating me from the AC. I staggered into the direction of my truck, debating the likelihood of it turning out to be just a mirage. Finding myself halfway down the driveway, I decided I had gone too far to turn back now, and forged on. Reaching my truck, I threw out my arm to touch it and confirm its authenticity. Yes, I had reached a real vehicle capable of spraying nice cool air out of its vents, and death by heat stroke had been postponed. As I drove along, I noticed something most shocking. A man in a bright yellow get-up atop of his bicycle peddling along at an alarming pace. He was dressed like Lance Armstrong, and bent over his handle bars as if nearing the end of the Tour de France. I was distressed for his well being but could not bring myself to roll down the window and yell at him, as my cold air would be released, and I had spent the last 10 minutes building it up. So I'd like to take this opportunity to clue him in...

Dear Bicycle Riding Idiot,
I'm glad you have taken the time to put on a reflective outfit so as to protect yourself in broad daylight from being run over by a car. Preserving one's life is certainly a valued characteristic, but perhaps you might want to worry about the effects dehydration, heat exhaustion, and heat stroke can take on your body. Your bright yellow suit will do nothing for you as your body becomes so hot that your blood boils and you are no longer able to produce sweat. When your heart stops and you lie still on the road side, cars will not run you over (again due to your excellent choice of clothing), but the chances of me getting out of my air conditioned vehicle to give mouth to mouth to your sun-chapped lips is slim to never gonna happen. I'm sure when you pulled your instrument of death (bicycle) out of your garage at the hottest point in the day you thought to yourself, "Oh well, what doesn't kill me, will only make me thinner."
I'd have to advise against this line of thinking as you already appear to be a thin and gangly creature. So next time the Weather Channel flashes HEAT ADVISORY in bright red letters on your television grab a book and head to the basement. After all, what good does your fit little body do for you if the chubby girl living next store to you can out live you simply by choosing to eat ice cream and watch movies while you peddle to your death.
Best Wishes
The Chubby Ice Cream Eater

P.S. For those desperate to not lose a day of exercise they have come up with these great inventions known as treadmills and exercise bikes. I believe one may even be able to obtain one and use it in the comfort of their own air conditioned home.

1 comment:

Ogre said...

oh my gosh, this blog brings tears. I LOVE IT!